I will have this journal as a testament to my youth. This has been the journal of a boy turning into a man. I've dealt with some fucked up shit, which will no doubt be interesting to look back on. But more importantly, these years have been the most interesting, most important, and most joyful years I could have ever imagined. My youth cannot be forgotten.

It is in this time that I have realized a few things about myself, which I must state now in hopes of not forgetting and for reference upon future reflecting.

I work better when it is for a goal which I can share with another person.

Upon entrance to college I have now entered a place where I can turn myself into the adult I want to be in the future. Lets hope I haven't learned this too late.

In the case that i've learned these two simple truths about myself too late I will have to remember how I came to learn them. And that these truths were honestly very difficult to come by in this crazy mixed up world we live in.

I'm so bored.

I feel like I've lost my direction this year. I've applied to Harvard. Lilly is done with me. I know I haven't written in what feels like forever, but it is because I feel distant from the world. I know that my place is waiting for me, but recently I've wondered out side of it for some reason. I really love my life. I love the way that I think. But I don't like how this year is starting. Things will get better soon, I just have to wait and see. Maybe I will take the SAT I again on saturday.

I've done a lot since I have updated last. This is the time in my life where I am waiting for a girl who's gone away from me. This is my life right here. Its traveling forward while I am in neutral. The waves are pulling me farther into the ocean and all I can do is look back to land. I just wish I could talk to you Lilly.

Sitting in my hotel room again. The television is still running. My little sister is always watching tv. I've seen the same commericals a thousand times. I go out and wonder the city and smoke. I love this place. There are so many people outside walking around that seem beautiful and I doubt they know it. Recieved a phone call from Danella today, a friend I met at the starbucks in Miami. It was cool to hear from her, especially since she's never called me before. I should call her back and see what she thinks about the CD I gave her.

The people that I watch fill my mind full of ideas. Simple ideas. The way people act, why do they do it? People for centuries have been a slave to the same monster. The monster is pop culture. Women and men will do whatever it takes to conform to whats popular in order to gain approval. I don't know if I've already mentioned this, but I see Lily everywhere in this city. I've gone to two colleges and interviewed. Both Harvard and Williams could train me to be sucessful in life. I need to improve my SAT scores.

Listen to me yak on and on about nothing. I'm not even paying attention to what I'm typing. I'll be lucky if it even makes sense. I'm done with this. Maybe I'll go train for the SAT again in a little while.

I've traveled a lot these past three days. In 8 days I will be in Russia. The only thing I've done more than travel revently is think. I've thought a lot. I've ment interesting people in the Boston air. I can't think right now, the hotel television is running. Just wanted to post. I need to post about all that I've done and thought. That is for another time. Love and peace.

I'm at Danny's house while he is gone for no explaination. He's in the living room with Lucy. I'm in his room. The awkwardness of the situation is up and the chill environment that surrounds Danny is down. Oh well, I've got nothing better to do today anyway.

I had this awesome physcodelic dream. I dreamt that I woke up 3 years in the past or something. I performed my daily activities with my memory of what will happen in the future. I was scared though. This year was fucking impossible to get through, and I didn't feel like doing it again. I thought to myself, I was supposed to do something in the past that I didn't get a chance to do. I thought that once I accomplished this task I would wake back up in the present day. Unfortunately, it just didn't seem to happen that way. I was forced to continue to live my life as if I was in the past. It was so cool, because I was actually dreaming my past but with me able to do whatever I wanted in it. I didn't even realize it was a dream. I was fucking so upset about having to go through all the hard shit that I had already gone through. I had one advantage though, I could remember how I did it the first time. But by the time I would catch up to the present day I would probably forget it. It was the coolest fucking nightmere I've ever had.

what happened to the people in miami. Fuck all of you bastards.

Wow, I'm pretty lonely.

Oh yeah. Spent the day with Danny today. I read him some poetry by Ginsberg. He seemed to like it. He asked me to read him the one about the supermarket. He can barely move. I love that family. Sammy, Amy, and Jen saw him today too.

Wow. This kid Rusty is amazing. He spent a whole post defending himself after I called him an asshole for pretending to care about Danny, but still not wanting to go see him. His livejournal is euphoricism. I'm talking to him now. I shouldn't be. He is just gonna piss me off.

I've been fine the entire day up and until now. Today Danny Bull almost died. I had the fortune of spending all day with his family, lucy, and him praying for him to get better. He got kicked in the stomach yesterday at a concert. I wasn't even inside the building when it happened. I love that kid. Actually I wrote half of the entry for Lucy's post today because she couldn't find the energy to write about what happened. I was happy to be there today.
When I first woke up I heard Sloan asking me what had happened to Danny. I called Lucy and she told me he was in critical condition. I didn't think things where that bad. She picked me up and we spent some time getting food and such before we went into the hospital to see Danny.
When I learned about how horrible a condition he was in, after I went into the hospital, I was in a state of shock. I was determined to just be positive for the family and Danny. I talked to him and I was as positive and nonchalant as possible. Danny doesn't deserve this. I talked to his mom and she was amazed at how everything came together for his recovery, almost like a coincidence. She said "Maybe there is a God." I love that family, and I love that kid. I came home and talked to my father about what was going on (he's living with us again). He said nothing but good things about Danny's condition, future, and our decisions, but I couldn't help but break down and cry. I told him how excellent a man Danny is. He deals with so much shit yet treats everyone fucking amazing. He gives everyone more than there share worth of time, enthusiasm, trust, love, etc. I told Lucy and Mrs. Bull, "That boy is meant for something great. I know it."
You owe it to you're community to tell him how much you love him. His condition right now is teaching us all a lot about life. This happing to him is a lesson to a lot of people about how lucky we all are to have what we have. It teaches us about how frail life is. It teaches us all about HOW LUCKY WE ARE TO HAVE A FRIEND NAMED DANNY BULL!! I've never told him how much I admire his spirit and how much I appreciate him.
I'm spending tomorrow with him. I'm going to study for my math final there. You're one of the best people I know.

I'm seriously addicted to cigarettes. I have to carry this burden for the rest of my life. Oh well. Life's not always full of ups. I suppose there are millions of worse things to deal with besides nicotiene addiction. I miss smoking. I need to get over that or I am doomed to live in this cycle. I hate how stress makes me want to smoke. I'm bitching. Ugh

I just had the best conversation with Lilly. She made me so happy tonight. I am truly happy right now in my dark room with the light of the computer screen staring back at me. I am the luckiest guy ever, and I am not just saying that, I really believe it to be true.

Well, I'm sure it's healthy to wake up at 7:10 PM. At least the sun hasn't gone down. I am getting ready to embark on never ending task of trying to catch up. I'm so glad that I'm talking to Lilly again.

I've stated before "I could write pages." I have pages written, I don't have them posted. I've had a fever for the last three or four days and it's hard for me to remember what exactly I was thinking then. I've said goodbye to Lilly. I remember that. I've met Sarah. I remember that. I also remember owing working. For some reason, I don't feel that bad. I'm sort of excited to see where life will take me next, although I cannot figure out why or how I ended up in the situation that I am in today. I hate getting sick. To be honest, I miss the hell out of Lilly, but I just can't help but think that things happen for a reason. Oh yeah, I want a cigarette.

My band director proposed to his girlfriend tonight.

I just got home. I need to leave in about two hours to sing with my vocal ensemble. Tomorrow I leave for Portland Oregon. I will be gone for a week. I was talking to Lilly last night, and I think I fell asleep. She said she had to restart her computer and that's the last thing I remember correctly, although she defiantly sent me something else which I read as "you lose." I didn't sleep very well at all. I kept waking up and spazing. I'm tired today. I hope I get a chance to tell everyone goodbye. Peace.

There is a horrible song titled "Like Humans Do" hidden somewhere on my computer. I can't delete it. Its a very very bad song.

Talking to Lilly. She makes me feel amazing. I am done with drugs. I don't like them anymore. I quit smoking, I am getting healthy. I may still drink occassionally, but I am not going to be smoking bud for a long time. I did last night after a long ass break and I didn't like it. Danny and I completed our real song the other day. He is out brabing some girl right about now. Oh hell. I used the word brabe. That's Lilly's word. Hahaha, peace and love.